05.08.2012

i have sat down to write this many times, but each time i get depressed and stop. but then i remember that i wanted to use this blog to record my life, and this is my life right now.

a few weeks ago, i went over to my parents house like i normally do. i happen to have a girlfriend that lives right by my parents house. so sometimes i go by her house first and then over to my parents. two birds, one stone. so while we were at my friends house, she offered to let zella stay and play with her kids, since they were on spring break, while i went to target with my dad. i thought this could be some nice one on one time with my dad, so i said ok. i left, and went and picked up my dad, and we went to target.

we were eating our popcorn, i noticed that he hadn't asked where zella was. so i showed him a photo on my phone of z and me, the photo above. he looked at it for a minute, and then asked me who was in the photo. i told him it was zella and i.

this stopped me cold. and i think my heart stopped for a second. i truly didn't know what to say or do. so i just went on and we finished up at target. went and picked up zella and went to his house. he was fine when zella got in the truck, he remembered her.

when i think back on this. is this the moment that he stops remembering people who he sees on a regular basis? or was it just a hiccup in his memory? i don't know the answer. i have noticed that sometimes his memory comes and goes. and that can be within a matter of 10 minutes. he didn't recognize us in the picture, but he knew who we were when we were with him.

either way, this seems to be right in my face. can't turn away from this one. it breaks me. it makes me nervous that this slippery slope that we are on is getting steep. and then i think about all that i am losing. i am losing my dad. zella is losing her pappy. and i can go on and on.

so i am choosing to look for the positives in this... it's not easy. but one thing i hold onto was when we were in the hospital the day of my dad's heart attack. the surgeons were talking to my mom and me. they told us that he never should have survived. his heart attack was so massive, he shouldn't be here. and those words have really stuck with me. so i look at it this way. he is still here for a reason. and the past 7 years since his heart attack have been frosting. a bonus. if he would have died that morning, zella would never have met her pappy. and i am so thankful that the two of them got the chance to be bff's. they have the neatest bond. i know that my dad loves zella and that she loves her pappy. she will have great memories of him. and i hold on to that.

03.08.2012

i went to my parents house yesterday. i asked my dad how he was doing and he said good. i asked him what he has been up to that day and he told me that mom and him had just got home. they have been traveling. i said that sounds good. now i know that they have not gone traveling. mom is still working and has a few more weeks until she retires. so we talked about it's fun to travel, but it is always nice to come home. he agreed with me.

so i started thinking about how i do like to leave and go on a holiday. but no matter how great of a time i have when i am gone, i love to come home. there is something about sleeping in your own bed, using your own pillows and blankets. using your own shower with all of your soaps and goodies where you want them and not have to pack things up when your done. i love the comfort and appreciation i have when i am back home. grateful that i was able to go on a trip and do something that i loved. i am grateful that i have a nice house to come home to. glad to be back around all of the people that i love.

this dementia robs people of their memories. of all of the little details that makes your life yours. i see my dad's frustration with not being able to remember things. like when mom will be home from work. or what town he is now in. his latest thing is believing that he is at a vacation home. when i was talking to my sister about this. she said "i would rather him believe he is at a vacation home, than at a retirement home." and i think she is 100% right. and a great way to put it. i would also like to believe that he is on vacation and he will return home to us at any point. but i know that is not going to happen. we have been blessed the last 7 years to have him around. i remember the doctors at the mayo hospital, telling me and mom that he shouldn't have survived his heart attack. so the fact that we have him right now is a miracle. all frosting...

so getting back to the conversation my dad and i had about his recient traveling, i hope he is feeling what i feel when i come home from a trip. the happiness i feel to be back at home. to be comfortable and cozy, and totally loved. because that is how feel when i walk in my parents front door.

02.16.2012

a few days ago, The Day happened to me. i have known for a few years that it would. when my dad was diagnosed with dementia, he just seemed quiet. not too different. but i noticed little differences. he could have a conversation with someone, but he wouldn't start the conversation. he would be at family functions, just be quiet and take "laps" around the party. he still loved us deeply and would play with zella when we would come over to visit. when zella was about 6 or 7 months old, she started going to feeding therapy once a week. we would then go over to my parents house and spend the afternoon and dinner time with them. we have been doing this ever since then. at first, my dad would be on the floor, playing with zella, rolling around with her and holding her and just spending time loving on her. he would also set up his photography drop and take a photo session with her. i treasure all of those memories. as time progressed, he stopped taking pictures but continued to play and read to her every week. i noticed that the amount of time spent on the floor started to get longer with her. i have decided the reason why was because he didn't remember how long he had been down there with her. i didn't care the reason why, i just loved watching their relationship grow. he still plays with her, but she now has to ask him to play with her. he doesn't read to her anymore, or play puzzles with her. but oh how she loves him. lately she asked me why pappy asks the same question over and over. i told her that pappy's brain is a little sick, and that he doesn't remember things too well. but he does remember how much he loves her.
for a few years, we would meet pappy at target and have a popcorn and a diet coke with him and do some shopping. he is still, to this day, the BEST shopping budding around. he will look at everything and doesn't care how long we have been shopping- he doesn't remember how long he has been at the store...
on those days that he would meet us at target, when zella would spot him, he would pretend to not see her, looking up at everything and gazing around "looking" for her. she would start laughing and running towards him. then he would see her and bend down and pick her up and twirl her around. he would close his eyes while doing this and when he would set her down, tell her how much he loved her. she would always smile and just soak it up. she loves her pappy.
now, my dad doesn't drive. we pick him up and go to target. he still does well in public, as long as i am there by him. but back when he would meet us at target, i would call him and tell him we are on our way. and he would say he would meet us at target. he remembered which target. as time went on, he would ask which target? and then after a while he didn't remember where we were going to meet. i started picking him up to go to target, he seemed relieved. now, when i leave my house, i call him to tell him we are on our way, that i will be there in about 30 minutes and i will call him as i drive into their housing development so he knows when to put his shoes on and come on out. this has worked for months.
and then this week happened.
i wasn't prepared, yet i knew it was gonna happen. i called dad to tell him we had left and we were gonna pick him up to go to target. and there was silence for a few seconds... then he said in a little kid voice "jill, i don't know where i am" my heart dropped. and i had to take a few deep breaths. i knew he was at home, so i told him i would come on over to his house, and if he wasn't there, i would come find him and take him to target. he liked this idea, and seemed to not be so stressed. i hung up and cried. this sucks!!! i hate losing my dad. i don't like the knowledge that this is just the beginning, it will get worse. my heart breaks for myself, and then i remember my mom. my heart breaks for my mom. she is losing her best friend, her husband. she can't escape this. at. all! when she goes to work, she calls my dad all day long to talk to him. when she comes home, she has to do everything because he no longer can do things for them. my mom makes all of the doctors appointments, and is my dad's spokesperson. i have always watched the way my parents are together. they have a beautiful love story. they have been married longer than they were single. i watch the way my dad's eyes light up when my mom gets home from work. the way he hugs her, and tells her he loves her. i try to memorize this.
i notice that i stand closer to him, sit closer, hug longer... all of the time i am trying to remember everything that is my dad.
just trying to remember all of him.
jill b,

01.01. 2011

7. yes, she's 7. i closed my eyes, i blinked. and she did it again...

this was the first year i didn't cry on her birthday. i get teary, but no tears on her day. my heart is so full and heavy when it comes to loving her. i never knew your heart could hold so much love for someone. and it tends to grow every day. it's amazing really. one day you not a parent, and then one day you are and your whole life changes. but i think it's pretty magical. the way my whole world lights up when she enters the room. the way my heart bursts when she smiles. lately, she tells me all of the time that i am the best mommy in the whole world. and it slays me, in the most amazing way possible. this little girl, this huge gift that God gave to charlie b and me. and i love it all.

this year on her birthday, we took her goofy golfing again. she loved it. the weather wasn't as cold as last year. but we bundled up and had a great time. after golfing, we took her to the movies. we saw Puss in Boots. pretty cute. and she loved it because of all of the cats in it. she wants to buy it when it comes out on dvd. that is a pretty good sign that she likes a movie.

so happy birthday to my little girl. i love who you are and who you are becoming. you are beautiful on the inside and out. i love your smile, your laugh and the way you still like to hold my hand everywhere we go. (i love the way you hold my hand when you want to show me something in your room). you are so sweet and thoughtful. you have the biggest heart. i am so proud of the way you are learning at school and i love watching you learn to read. i love you more and more every day...

happy birthday zella!

i love you

mommy