03.08.2012

i went to my parents house yesterday. i asked my dad how he was doing and he said good. i asked him what he has been up to that day and he told me that mom and him had just got home. they have been traveling. i said that sounds good. now i know that they have not gone traveling. mom is still working and has a few more weeks until she retires. so we talked about it's fun to travel, but it is always nice to come home. he agreed with me.

so i started thinking about how i do like to leave and go on a holiday. but no matter how great of a time i have when i am gone, i love to come home. there is something about sleeping in your own bed, using your own pillows and blankets. using your own shower with all of your soaps and goodies where you want them and not have to pack things up when your done. i love the comfort and appreciation i have when i am back home. grateful that i was able to go on a trip and do something that i loved. i am grateful that i have a nice house to come home to. glad to be back around all of the people that i love.

this dementia robs people of their memories. of all of the little details that makes your life yours. i see my dad's frustration with not being able to remember things. like when mom will be home from work. or what town he is now in. his latest thing is believing that he is at a vacation home. when i was talking to my sister about this. she said "i would rather him believe he is at a vacation home, than at a retirement home." and i think she is 100% right. and a great way to put it. i would also like to believe that he is on vacation and he will return home to us at any point. but i know that is not going to happen. we have been blessed the last 7 years to have him around. i remember the doctors at the mayo hospital, telling me and mom that he shouldn't have survived his heart attack. so the fact that we have him right now is a miracle. all frosting...

so getting back to the conversation my dad and i had about his recient traveling, i hope he is feeling what i feel when i come home from a trip. the happiness i feel to be back at home. to be comfortable and cozy, and totally loved. because that is how feel when i walk in my parents front door.

02.16.2012

a few days ago, The Day happened to me. i have known for a few years that it would. when my dad was diagnosed with dementia, he just seemed quiet. not too different. but i noticed little differences. he could have a conversation with someone, but he wouldn't start the conversation. he would be at family functions, just be quiet and take "laps" around the party. he still loved us deeply and would play with zella when we would come over to visit. when zella was about 6 or 7 months old, she started going to feeding therapy once a week. we would then go over to my parents house and spend the afternoon and dinner time with them. we have been doing this ever since then. at first, my dad would be on the floor, playing with zella, rolling around with her and holding her and just spending time loving on her. he would also set up his photography drop and take a photo session with her. i treasure all of those memories. as time progressed, he stopped taking pictures but continued to play and read to her every week. i noticed that the amount of time spent on the floor started to get longer with her. i have decided the reason why was because he didn't remember how long he had been down there with her. i didn't care the reason why, i just loved watching their relationship grow. he still plays with her, but she now has to ask him to play with her. he doesn't read to her anymore, or play puzzles with her. but oh how she loves him. lately she asked me why pappy asks the same question over and over. i told her that pappy's brain is a little sick, and that he doesn't remember things too well. but he does remember how much he loves her.
for a few years, we would meet pappy at target and have a popcorn and a diet coke with him and do some shopping. he is still, to this day, the BEST shopping budding around. he will look at everything and doesn't care how long we have been shopping- he doesn't remember how long he has been at the store...
on those days that he would meet us at target, when zella would spot him, he would pretend to not see her, looking up at everything and gazing around "looking" for her. she would start laughing and running towards him. then he would see her and bend down and pick her up and twirl her around. he would close his eyes while doing this and when he would set her down, tell her how much he loved her. she would always smile and just soak it up. she loves her pappy.
now, my dad doesn't drive. we pick him up and go to target. he still does well in public, as long as i am there by him. but back when he would meet us at target, i would call him and tell him we are on our way. and he would say he would meet us at target. he remembered which target. as time went on, he would ask which target? and then after a while he didn't remember where we were going to meet. i started picking him up to go to target, he seemed relieved. now, when i leave my house, i call him to tell him we are on our way, that i will be there in about 30 minutes and i will call him as i drive into their housing development so he knows when to put his shoes on and come on out. this has worked for months.
and then this week happened.
i wasn't prepared, yet i knew it was gonna happen. i called dad to tell him we had left and we were gonna pick him up to go to target. and there was silence for a few seconds... then he said in a little kid voice "jill, i don't know where i am" my heart dropped. and i had to take a few deep breaths. i knew he was at home, so i told him i would come on over to his house, and if he wasn't there, i would come find him and take him to target. he liked this idea, and seemed to not be so stressed. i hung up and cried. this sucks!!! i hate losing my dad. i don't like the knowledge that this is just the beginning, it will get worse. my heart breaks for myself, and then i remember my mom. my heart breaks for my mom. she is losing her best friend, her husband. she can't escape this. at. all! when she goes to work, she calls my dad all day long to talk to him. when she comes home, she has to do everything because he no longer can do things for them. my mom makes all of the doctors appointments, and is my dad's spokesperson. i have always watched the way my parents are together. they have a beautiful love story. they have been married longer than they were single. i watch the way my dad's eyes light up when my mom gets home from work. the way he hugs her, and tells her he loves her. i try to memorize this.
i notice that i stand closer to him, sit closer, hug longer... all of the time i am trying to remember everything that is my dad.
just trying to remember all of him.
jill b,

01.01. 2011

7. yes, she's 7. i closed my eyes, i blinked. and she did it again...

this was the first year i didn't cry on her birthday. i get teary, but no tears on her day. my heart is so full and heavy when it comes to loving her. i never knew your heart could hold so much love for someone. and it tends to grow every day. it's amazing really. one day you not a parent, and then one day you are and your whole life changes. but i think it's pretty magical. the way my whole world lights up when she enters the room. the way my heart bursts when she smiles. lately, she tells me all of the time that i am the best mommy in the whole world. and it slays me, in the most amazing way possible. this little girl, this huge gift that God gave to charlie b and me. and i love it all.

this year on her birthday, we took her goofy golfing again. she loved it. the weather wasn't as cold as last year. but we bundled up and had a great time. after golfing, we took her to the movies. we saw Puss in Boots. pretty cute. and she loved it because of all of the cats in it. she wants to buy it when it comes out on dvd. that is a pretty good sign that she likes a movie.

so happy birthday to my little girl. i love who you are and who you are becoming. you are beautiful on the inside and out. i love your smile, your laugh and the way you still like to hold my hand everywhere we go. (i love the way you hold my hand when you want to show me something in your room). you are so sweet and thoughtful. you have the biggest heart. i am so proud of the way you are learning at school and i love watching you learn to read. i love you more and more every day...

happy birthday zella!

i love you

mommy

11 29 2011

i have a lot to catch up on. seems like i have been missing for almost a year. so we had a lot of holidays, and get togethers. a birthday and a spring, summer, fall and winter. so i am just gonna jump in.
Zella wanted to be a pink kitty for Halloween this year. yes, she has been a kitty for the past 4 years. but this year i got her to change the color. she picked out her costume this year. we had pink kitty ears, but lost them the day before, and found them the day after... we went trick-or-treating in April's neighborhood. April is Charlie B.'s sister. she just bought her first house and we went over for a pot luck dinner and passing out candy. so Charlie b and i and Zella went around the block for some candy. we had a great time.
so i will try to keep this blog up a little better. so for a while, the posts might be a little out of order. i got a lot of memories to record.
jill b

02.02.2011

thank you kim! my wonderfully talented sister helped me make-over my blog.
i think she's pretty...
jill b

01.01.2011=6?

yes it is true!
without permission, Zella turned 6. i can't believe it and i didn't authorize it. we spent the whole day doing whatever she wanted. we took her goofy-golfing. we did this with her when she was 2. so this was really the first time she played.

she did a pretty good job. she even got a hole-in-one on. we were so proud.

she really loved the birthday outfit that i made for her. it is hard to see in the picture, but there is a matching 6 on her shirt. this was the first time for me to applique on a t-shirt. it is kinda messy, so don't look too carefully. she loved the twirly skirt and i made one to match for her favorite stuffed kitty.

i just love this little girl. i love who she is growing-up to be.

i love you baby,

mommy

jill b

ana-white.com

go to her site now!! she has tons of plans, not just doll beds. i love ana! she takes furniture and figures out how they are made and puts the design plans on her site for free! she even gives you a shopping list and a cut list. awsome.
so i saw this doll bed on her site the other day and fell in love. now my Zella doesn't like dolls. doesn't want to play with them at all. but, she loves her kitties. so i thought this would be perfect. i have a few projects going on right now, but this one i had to stop everything and make. i have never, never worked with wood and furniture making. so this was my very first project. i ran up to Lowe's with my shopping list and cut list. the guy at Lowe's cut everything for me for free. so when i got home, i arranged the pieces into the bed and started working. charlie b had to show me how to use the drill and then i was on my own.

here she is all ready to prime and paint.

here she is with her bedding. Zella and i went to JoAnns to get material and foam for the bed. they sell a 1inch thick foam pad that is about 15 x 18 inches. perfect. i made a envelope style sheet in cream, and made a rag quilt for the blanket. i also made two pillows for her.

here she is all finished! this was a really simple project. a great first project! if you have Lowe's cut your wood. make sure that they are the correct length before you start. mine were off a little so i used a power sander to make them the same.

not too bad for my first project?

she doesn't even wobble!!!

Zella loved it, she told me the bed was spectacular!

jill b