05.08.2012

i have sat down to write this many times, but each time i get depressed and stop. but then i remember that i wanted to use this blog to record my life, and this is my life right now.

a few weeks ago, i went over to my parents house like i normally do. i happen to have a girlfriend that lives right by my parents house. so sometimes i go by her house first and then over to my parents. two birds, one stone. so while we were at my friends house, she offered to let zella stay and play with her kids, since they were on spring break, while i went to target with my dad. i thought this could be some nice one on one time with my dad, so i said ok. i left, and went and picked up my dad, and we went to target.

we were eating our popcorn, i noticed that he hadn't asked where zella was. so i showed him a photo on my phone of z and me, the photo above. he looked at it for a minute, and then asked me who was in the photo. i told him it was zella and i.

this stopped me cold. and i think my heart stopped for a second. i truly didn't know what to say or do. so i just went on and we finished up at target. went and picked up zella and went to his house. he was fine when zella got in the truck, he remembered her.

when i think back on this. is this the moment that he stops remembering people who he sees on a regular basis? or was it just a hiccup in his memory? i don't know the answer. i have noticed that sometimes his memory comes and goes. and that can be within a matter of 10 minutes. he didn't recognize us in the picture, but he knew who we were when we were with him.

either way, this seems to be right in my face. can't turn away from this one. it breaks me. it makes me nervous that this slippery slope that we are on is getting steep. and then i think about all that i am losing. i am losing my dad. zella is losing her pappy. and i can go on and on.

so i am choosing to look for the positives in this... it's not easy. but one thing i hold onto was when we were in the hospital the day of my dad's heart attack. the surgeons were talking to my mom and me. they told us that he never should have survived. his heart attack was so massive, he shouldn't be here. and those words have really stuck with me. so i look at it this way. he is still here for a reason. and the past 7 years since his heart attack have been frosting. a bonus. if he would have died that morning, zella would never have met her pappy. and i am so thankful that the two of them got the chance to be bff's. they have the neatest bond. i know that my dad loves zella and that she loves her pappy. she will have great memories of him. and i hold on to that.