05.08.2012

i have sat down to write this many times, but each time i get depressed and stop. but then i remember that i wanted to use this blog to record my life, and this is my life right now.

a few weeks ago, i went over to my parents house like i normally do. i happen to have a girlfriend that lives right by my parents house. so sometimes i go by her house first and then over to my parents. two birds, one stone. so while we were at my friends house, she offered to let zella stay and play with her kids, since they were on spring break, while i went to target with my dad. i thought this could be some nice one on one time with my dad, so i said ok. i left, and went and picked up my dad, and we went to target.

we were eating our popcorn, i noticed that he hadn't asked where zella was. so i showed him a photo on my phone of z and me, the photo above. he looked at it for a minute, and then asked me who was in the photo. i told him it was zella and i.

this stopped me cold. and i think my heart stopped for a second. i truly didn't know what to say or do. so i just went on and we finished up at target. went and picked up zella and went to his house. he was fine when zella got in the truck, he remembered her.

when i think back on this. is this the moment that he stops remembering people who he sees on a regular basis? or was it just a hiccup in his memory? i don't know the answer. i have noticed that sometimes his memory comes and goes. and that can be within a matter of 10 minutes. he didn't recognize us in the picture, but he knew who we were when we were with him.

either way, this seems to be right in my face. can't turn away from this one. it breaks me. it makes me nervous that this slippery slope that we are on is getting steep. and then i think about all that i am losing. i am losing my dad. zella is losing her pappy. and i can go on and on.

so i am choosing to look for the positives in this... it's not easy. but one thing i hold onto was when we were in the hospital the day of my dad's heart attack. the surgeons were talking to my mom and me. they told us that he never should have survived. his heart attack was so massive, he shouldn't be here. and those words have really stuck with me. so i look at it this way. he is still here for a reason. and the past 7 years since his heart attack have been frosting. a bonus. if he would have died that morning, zella would never have met her pappy. and i am so thankful that the two of them got the chance to be bff's. they have the neatest bond. i know that my dad loves zella and that she loves her pappy. she will have great memories of him. and i hold on to that.

03.08.2012

i went to my parents house yesterday. i asked my dad how he was doing and he said good. i asked him what he has been up to that day and he told me that mom and him had just got home. they have been traveling. i said that sounds good. now i know that they have not gone traveling. mom is still working and has a few more weeks until she retires. so we talked about it's fun to travel, but it is always nice to come home. he agreed with me.

so i started thinking about how i do like to leave and go on a holiday. but no matter how great of a time i have when i am gone, i love to come home. there is something about sleeping in your own bed, using your own pillows and blankets. using your own shower with all of your soaps and goodies where you want them and not have to pack things up when your done. i love the comfort and appreciation i have when i am back home. grateful that i was able to go on a trip and do something that i loved. i am grateful that i have a nice house to come home to. glad to be back around all of the people that i love.

this dementia robs people of their memories. of all of the little details that makes your life yours. i see my dad's frustration with not being able to remember things. like when mom will be home from work. or what town he is now in. his latest thing is believing that he is at a vacation home. when i was talking to my sister about this. she said "i would rather him believe he is at a vacation home, than at a retirement home." and i think she is 100% right. and a great way to put it. i would also like to believe that he is on vacation and he will return home to us at any point. but i know that is not going to happen. we have been blessed the last 7 years to have him around. i remember the doctors at the mayo hospital, telling me and mom that he shouldn't have survived his heart attack. so the fact that we have him right now is a miracle. all frosting...

so getting back to the conversation my dad and i had about his recient traveling, i hope he is feeling what i feel when i come home from a trip. the happiness i feel to be back at home. to be comfortable and cozy, and totally loved. because that is how feel when i walk in my parents front door.

02.16.2012

a few days ago, The Day happened to me. i have known for a few years that it would. when my dad was diagnosed with dementia, he just seemed quiet. not too different. but i noticed little differences. he could have a conversation with someone, but he wouldn't start the conversation. he would be at family functions, just be quiet and take "laps" around the party. he still loved us deeply and would play with zella when we would come over to visit. when zella was about 6 or 7 months old, she started going to feeding therapy once a week. we would then go over to my parents house and spend the afternoon and dinner time with them. we have been doing this ever since then. at first, my dad would be on the floor, playing with zella, rolling around with her and holding her and just spending time loving on her. he would also set up his photography drop and take a photo session with her. i treasure all of those memories. as time progressed, he stopped taking pictures but continued to play and read to her every week. i noticed that the amount of time spent on the floor started to get longer with her. i have decided the reason why was because he didn't remember how long he had been down there with her. i didn't care the reason why, i just loved watching their relationship grow. he still plays with her, but she now has to ask him to play with her. he doesn't read to her anymore, or play puzzles with her. but oh how she loves him. lately she asked me why pappy asks the same question over and over. i told her that pappy's brain is a little sick, and that he doesn't remember things too well. but he does remember how much he loves her.
for a few years, we would meet pappy at target and have a popcorn and a diet coke with him and do some shopping. he is still, to this day, the BEST shopping budding around. he will look at everything and doesn't care how long we have been shopping- he doesn't remember how long he has been at the store...
on those days that he would meet us at target, when zella would spot him, he would pretend to not see her, looking up at everything and gazing around "looking" for her. she would start laughing and running towards him. then he would see her and bend down and pick her up and twirl her around. he would close his eyes while doing this and when he would set her down, tell her how much he loved her. she would always smile and just soak it up. she loves her pappy.
now, my dad doesn't drive. we pick him up and go to target. he still does well in public, as long as i am there by him. but back when he would meet us at target, i would call him and tell him we are on our way. and he would say he would meet us at target. he remembered which target. as time went on, he would ask which target? and then after a while he didn't remember where we were going to meet. i started picking him up to go to target, he seemed relieved. now, when i leave my house, i call him to tell him we are on our way, that i will be there in about 30 minutes and i will call him as i drive into their housing development so he knows when to put his shoes on and come on out. this has worked for months.
and then this week happened.
i wasn't prepared, yet i knew it was gonna happen. i called dad to tell him we had left and we were gonna pick him up to go to target. and there was silence for a few seconds... then he said in a little kid voice "jill, i don't know where i am" my heart dropped. and i had to take a few deep breaths. i knew he was at home, so i told him i would come on over to his house, and if he wasn't there, i would come find him and take him to target. he liked this idea, and seemed to not be so stressed. i hung up and cried. this sucks!!! i hate losing my dad. i don't like the knowledge that this is just the beginning, it will get worse. my heart breaks for myself, and then i remember my mom. my heart breaks for my mom. she is losing her best friend, her husband. she can't escape this. at. all! when she goes to work, she calls my dad all day long to talk to him. when she comes home, she has to do everything because he no longer can do things for them. my mom makes all of the doctors appointments, and is my dad's spokesperson. i have always watched the way my parents are together. they have a beautiful love story. they have been married longer than they were single. i watch the way my dad's eyes light up when my mom gets home from work. the way he hugs her, and tells her he loves her. i try to memorize this.
i notice that i stand closer to him, sit closer, hug longer... all of the time i am trying to remember everything that is my dad.
just trying to remember all of him.
jill b,

01.01. 2011

7. yes, she's 7. i closed my eyes, i blinked. and she did it again...

this was the first year i didn't cry on her birthday. i get teary, but no tears on her day. my heart is so full and heavy when it comes to loving her. i never knew your heart could hold so much love for someone. and it tends to grow every day. it's amazing really. one day you not a parent, and then one day you are and your whole life changes. but i think it's pretty magical. the way my whole world lights up when she enters the room. the way my heart bursts when she smiles. lately, she tells me all of the time that i am the best mommy in the whole world. and it slays me, in the most amazing way possible. this little girl, this huge gift that God gave to charlie b and me. and i love it all.

this year on her birthday, we took her goofy golfing again. she loved it. the weather wasn't as cold as last year. but we bundled up and had a great time. after golfing, we took her to the movies. we saw Puss in Boots. pretty cute. and she loved it because of all of the cats in it. she wants to buy it when it comes out on dvd. that is a pretty good sign that she likes a movie.

so happy birthday to my little girl. i love who you are and who you are becoming. you are beautiful on the inside and out. i love your smile, your laugh and the way you still like to hold my hand everywhere we go. (i love the way you hold my hand when you want to show me something in your room). you are so sweet and thoughtful. you have the biggest heart. i am so proud of the way you are learning at school and i love watching you learn to read. i love you more and more every day...

happy birthday zella!

i love you

mommy

11 29 2011

i have a lot to catch up on. seems like i have been missing for almost a year. so we had a lot of holidays, and get togethers. a birthday and a spring, summer, fall and winter. so i am just gonna jump in.
Zella wanted to be a pink kitty for Halloween this year. yes, she has been a kitty for the past 4 years. but this year i got her to change the color. she picked out her costume this year. we had pink kitty ears, but lost them the day before, and found them the day after... we went trick-or-treating in April's neighborhood. April is Charlie B.'s sister. she just bought her first house and we went over for a pot luck dinner and passing out candy. so Charlie b and i and Zella went around the block for some candy. we had a great time.
so i will try to keep this blog up a little better. so for a while, the posts might be a little out of order. i got a lot of memories to record.
jill b

02.02.2011

thank you kim! my wonderfully talented sister helped me make-over my blog.
i think she's pretty...
jill b

01.01.2011=6?

yes it is true!
without permission, Zella turned 6. i can't believe it and i didn't authorize it. we spent the whole day doing whatever she wanted. we took her goofy-golfing. we did this with her when she was 2. so this was really the first time she played.

she did a pretty good job. she even got a hole-in-one on. we were so proud.

she really loved the birthday outfit that i made for her. it is hard to see in the picture, but there is a matching 6 on her shirt. this was the first time for me to applique on a t-shirt. it is kinda messy, so don't look too carefully. she loved the twirly skirt and i made one to match for her favorite stuffed kitty.

i just love this little girl. i love who she is growing-up to be.

i love you baby,

mommy

jill b

ana-white.com

go to her site now!! she has tons of plans, not just doll beds. i love ana! she takes furniture and figures out how they are made and puts the design plans on her site for free! she even gives you a shopping list and a cut list. awsome.
so i saw this doll bed on her site the other day and fell in love. now my Zella doesn't like dolls. doesn't want to play with them at all. but, she loves her kitties. so i thought this would be perfect. i have a few projects going on right now, but this one i had to stop everything and make. i have never, never worked with wood and furniture making. so this was my very first project. i ran up to Lowe's with my shopping list and cut list. the guy at Lowe's cut everything for me for free. so when i got home, i arranged the pieces into the bed and started working. charlie b had to show me how to use the drill and then i was on my own.

here she is all ready to prime and paint.

here she is with her bedding. Zella and i went to JoAnns to get material and foam for the bed. they sell a 1inch thick foam pad that is about 15 x 18 inches. perfect. i made a envelope style sheet in cream, and made a rag quilt for the blanket. i also made two pillows for her.

here she is all finished! this was a really simple project. a great first project! if you have Lowe's cut your wood. make sure that they are the correct length before you start. mine were off a little so i used a power sander to make them the same.

not too bad for my first project?

she doesn't even wobble!!!

Zella loved it, she told me the bed was spectacular!

jill b

let the holidays begin...

i have seen these wreaths all over the blog-oh-sphere. and i love them. i think that Ballard designs has them for about 50 or 60 dollars. but mine cost way less. wanna make one? you only need two things. a giant letter, i got mine from Joann's, and Christmas garland. i ended up using 4 garlands. they are about 2.99 at Michael's this week. i can't remember how much the letter was. but i want to ballpark it about 8 or 9 dollars. i didn't use glue, the garland is on a wire, so i just kept bending it as i went around.

i started in the center and made my way around the two bumps.

and then, i just kept on going. all the way around. i just kept tucking the ends of the garland into the last section i worked on.

and then i added a ribbon. in hindsight, i would probably add my ribbon as i went around. but i just adjusted the branches over the ribbon and you can't see it.

there are many different tutorials on the Internet on how to do this. i used a combo of a few. i wanted mine to be "chunky" so i wrapped the garland all the way around the letter. but i saw that some women just cut off the branches and hot glued them to the letter. this method will give you a flat back instead of a puffy back that mine has.

easy peasy, so bring on the Christmas decorating. i love it

jill b

will this work

http://www.knock-offwood.com/

this is the blog that i got the amazing coffee table plans from.
go there right now
you will love it!!

here she is, all painted up

zella helped me paint her. and i think she turned out beautifully! we got the plans for her off of knock-offwood.com
her site is awsome!!
thanks ana

she is so pretty...

if you scroll down to the post: introducing... you can see how we made her.

now, who wants to come over and sit by her?

did i tell you she is pretty?

jill b

our weekend project

ok, so it was my project. but charlie b helped and did more than his fair share. i have always wanted a large chalkboard. even when i was little i wanted one. my mother-in-law had made one for her grandchildren, and i loved it. so i went a looking. i found a couple on the Internet that i liked. and then charlie b helped me make it. it was pretty easy. we used ply board. it is much lighter than the particle board that we already had. chalkboard paint and molding. so i first primed the board. i did about 3 coats. it said to reapply after an hour. but we live in Arizona. so by the time i made it around, it was dry enough to go around again. once i had it primed, charlie b measured the board to mark where the trim would go.

i then added the chalkboard paint. this is so cool! i put about 3 or 4 coats on it. we started to get a wind and dust storm, so we moved this inside.

zella helped me put the next coat on. i think i put about 3 more coats on it. i have never used this paint before, but i wanted to make sure that the primer didn't sneak through, and i wanted it to be a crisp black.

charlie b and i held her up against the wall and nailed it into the studs. we used our stud-finder, and the stud jokes began...

charlie b let zella help.

after we nailed it to the wall. we placed out molding over the nails.

zella is my example of the scale of the chalkboard.

and now, may i introduce to you...

my big, and beautiful chalkboard. i love her! she is 6 feet by 4 feet. did i tell you that i love her? because i do. and charlie b for helping me.

my supply list

ply board, cut to the size you want.

paint primer

chalkboard paint

paint brush/roller

molding

nails.

and a charlie b, he was the most important part of my supply list.

now i have to fill her up...

jill b

introducing...

i have been raving about my new coffee table. i just love her. i thought i might post some pictures of her making. charlie b started off by making a shell of a box. we used screws and wood glue.
ana, from knockoffwood.blogspot.com, had hacked this coffee table. we loved it, but we read on her blog that some people were a tad disappointed in the overall height of the table. so we tweaked the plans just a big. we used 1x12 boards for the sides. add an inch for the top and an inch on the bottom, for the support for the wheels, and 5 1/2 inch wheels= our coffee table at 19 1/2. we also enlarged the overall dimensions of the coffee table. we went with a 4 feet by 5 1/2 feet. we super-sized her!
my handsome hubby working on my table.
a picture of the inside.

and here she is. we just love her! i am going to sand her, and then paint her a rustic/chocolate brown. i think she fits us just beautifully.

jill b

we took a holiday

we jumped in the car and drove to Dana point California. we stayed with some friends. which is the best kind of friends, the kind that live one block up from the beach! we went to the beach a couple of days and then came home. thanks, we had a blast!
jill b

introducing...

go ahead, drink her in.
she still has some work do to.
i am gonna sand her down and paint her up.
are you still drinking?
i am.
jill b

the nortorius b.i.g.

so we started a project. i have been looking for a big coffee table. i want a big table. i even thought about buying a kitchen table and cutting off the bottom part of the legs to make it a coffee table height. but this project started with a blog, knockoffwood.blogspot.com. anna takes expensive furniture and figures out how they are made and then offers the plans, shopping list and directions for free! i have been reading her blog for a while and love her plans, and i love a good diy project. i saw a plan for a big coffee table and i knew i had to have it. i showed charlie b the blog and he thought it was doable. after looking at the plans for a while, charlie b decided he could do it even better. so we super-sized the coffee table, added a storage option with a lid. i was going to paint it the chocolate brown that i wanted, and we went to lowes. we bought all of our supplies. charlie changed the type of wood to particle board, thinking it would be easier. we assembled it... and it was BIG! did i say big? i mean BIG!! we didn't know what to think for a while. so we decided to live with it for a while to see what we thought. charlie called me the next day from work, he had been brainstorming of what we could do with this giant box. maybe a sandbox for zella, a storage unit for the garage. i suggested we put it on craigs list to see if anyone wanted a big box. charlie said he wanted to re-do the coffee table and follow anna's directions a little big more closely. he said we could re-use the wheels and we were really just out the cost of the particle board. so we regrouped and redrew the plans. decided on real wood, and headed back out to lowes.

so we got our new wood. had it cut, and it is just waiting for us to have time to assemble her. i think she is going to be beautiful! i am glad that we had to re-do her. i think she will be better, stronger and more durable.

now we have do have plans for the big box. but i will leave you with this...

think zella's room and my hallway...

i'll update when i have pictures

jill b

new adventure

we went to the library, and zella got her first library card. she was so excited. we read a bunch of books and checked out a few and a movie. the expression on her face was priceless.

in other news, we have been working on a big project. i will show pictures later. she is a big one. and i think we are going to go a little smaller this time. what am i talking about?

a new coffee table. we made one, too big. going to redo her this weekend. I'll show before and after pictures soon.

jill b

she...

is the love of my life.
is starting to love being "crafty".
makes me smile and laugh all day long.
is so sweet, funny and charming.
is the best shopping buddy.
makes me cry when i think about how much she means to me.
makes me a mommy.

i love, love, love you, little girl.
jill b

my birthday present

since my sister mentioned me in her blog yesterday, i thought i would show a picture of two of what she was talking about. in both pictures, you can see the borders that she made. they are so beautiful and i love the way it adds an extra special meaning to me.

thanks kim! i love you

and i only have one more left...

jill b